I had a very hard yoga class this afternoon and, rather than feeling humbled, I feel resentful. I resent myself for not being able to perform the postures correctly, for sitting out certain postures that were hard for me, and for letting my ego get in the way of my practice. I try not to be a self-pitying person and I try not to victimize myself, but I will acknowledge that, today, my heart was full of resentment.
I have spent so much time trying to overcome every adversity that I face in my life. I have learned through yoga that adversity isn’t something I need to overcome, but something I need to work through. There will never be a time in my life when I don’t face adversity and yoga will never magically become easy, no matter how hard I work and no matter how consistent I make my practice. The best I can do is use the practice to process the negative emotions and experiences rather than letting them consume me and equating them with my personal worth.
I still feel resentful, but I am not discouraged. It was still worth it to get to the mat today (as it is every day) and to see the experience not as a failure, but as a natural response to doubt and fear. I can’t go into the next class saying I will try harder to better the poses that I struggle with, but that I will be more forgiving towards myself when I experience more classes like the one I did this afternoon.