When I have hard yoga classes, I try to accept the process with humility. Yesterday, I was just angry. The class consisted of a lot of work of which I’m not capable – arm balances, leg balances, and headstands – and I had to sit much of it out. I wasn’t even inclined to try. I felt like I used to feel in gym class when I was young: angry that other people could do things I couldn’t and embarrassed that I wasn’t even willing to give it a shot (for fear of failing). I felt stupid, I undoubtedly looked stupid, and – for the first time in my vinyasa yoga practice – I left the class feeling dissatisfied, discomfited, and angry.
I know for a fact that I do not have the physical strength or balance to do what was asked of me yesterday. I understand that the practice of yoga involves finding and building that strength, and that everyone who practices those postures falls out of them or performs them incorrectly while they are learning and going through the process. I just wasn’t willing to put in the necessary effort and it made me angry.
I understand that my response wasn’t the most mature way of handling the situation, and I will certainly encounter this in yoga – and life – again. There will always be poses that I will sit out or modify because they are hard for me or because I’m afraid of them. I will always run up against things that I can’t or am unwilling to do. I promised myself last night that I would not only find a more mature method of responding to these sorts of challenges, but that I would push myself harder through the yoga class I will take tonight. I am determined to give my body the therapy I didn’t yesterday, and to use the yoga to work through my feelings of resentment, frustration, and sadness.